We Need A Ravolution
By: Ccep
dews_ccep@yahoo.com
www.myspace.com/ccepvanity
I’m going to be completely honest with you: 2007 has been the toughest, most beautiful year of my life.
My year started off with my Navy husband overseas for our one year anniversary. My father and I aren’t “speaking” but we send cards (it’s a long story). I moved from Baltimore to California with my husband. It was our first move together and a transition that wasn’t as easy as I’d imagined it to be. This was my first time being so far away from my mom and older sister, who I feel are my responsibility to protect. I had to find a job and get used to the differences of the west coast. Along the way, I’ve been writing poetry, procrastinating on a few novels and trying desperately to shy away from a spotlight that keeps following me.
For 2008, I am going to give my all to people.
Around the age of fourteen, I came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as happiness. I felt that happiness was an emotion that comes and goes, so it’s dumb to respond “to be happy” when people ask what you want in life. I’ve dealt with depression since grade school. It’s the whole reason I started writing songs and then poetry. I’ve found ways of dealing with it without medication, but sometimes it’s a sadness for no particular reason that I can’t stop from happening. I realize that I have control over how I respond to my depression, my anger or any other emotion that I feel. So I will remember that I have a right to experience an emotion, but I have a responsibility to respond in a positive manner.
I’m a worrier by
nature. I stress myself out so much that it causes my eye to twitch. I’ve been
so busy lately that the other day I yelled in frustration, “I’m
doing eight
things at once and they want me to do nine... I can’t be everything for
everybody!” and that was like an epiphany to me. Finally, it sunk in that I can
only be me, Jenise or Ccep, depending on who I’m talking to. There is this drive
in me that keeps me busy because I feel like if I’m not helping, I’m not fully
fulfilling my purpose in life. The great thing is I have this awareness of what
my purpose is without fully understanding it. The bad thing is I always know
when I’m slacking on fulfilling it.
For 2008 I am going to give my all to people. I’m going to continue to do whatever I can to help strengthen and maintain my marriage. Regardless of other’s negativity towards my young nuptials, I’m happy with my husband and with myself. Marriage is work and I’m willing to put in overtime if need be because we are worth it.
I don’t have friends. Either you’re family or you’re not. I love my family, so why shouldn’t I tell them so? I’m not going to be afraid of being honest about my feelings anymore. If I really care for, trust and appreciate another person, be they male or female, I will tell them “I love you,” “luv ya” or any variation that suits their personality and role in my autobiography. You never know how that may change a person’s life. I’m going to ask those tough questions, say what needs to be said to save a life - even if it means losing a friend - and laugh so much more.
The one thing I always hold dear is my personal relationship with God. I love the fact that no matter where I am I can just stop and talk to Him and I do it out loud if no one’s around (to make sure He really hears me). There are things that God has shown me that others just can’t understand and I cherish the fact that when everyone else has disappointed me, God is still there to listen to me complain and cry. What’s best is that He’s there when I’m happy and I just can’t keep it to myself. So I’m going to continue to strengthen my relationship with Him.
2008 will be my year of love, happiness, fulfillment, and confidence.
The biggest thing I need to work on is my confidence. Sometimes my accomplishments seem not to be as big to me as they are to others. I start to feel like my novel will never be done and it’s not good enough. No longer will I allow that to be an excuse. I’m going to let go and enjoy life. I’m a writer. For me that’s the best job in the world. I won’t think of it as work and instead will let the inspiration flow.
2008 will be my year of love, happiness, fulfillment and confidence. And I will continue to hold on to the scripture that has gotten me through the toughest of times: “Plead my cause, O LORD, with them that strive with me: fight against them that fight against me.” -Psalms 35:1