Confessions of a Brave One
Northernstar
Northernstar@excapethematrix.com
It was a really sunny afternoon
on July 5, 2007, in which I was dressed in my “punk” attire, wearing a colorful
“Saved by the Bell” t-shirt, dirty gray skinny jeans and skateboard shoes. I had
just picked up my check from The Gap and made my way home by catching the 13 bus
going towards Walbrook Junction. Before I get off the bus, I always check
outside the window to see how many people are standing by the Garrison Bar and
at the shopping center to avoid any conflicts. At first glance, the shopping
center was empty and the Garrison Bar was packed with people, so I proceeded
into the shopping center entrance. As I was walking pass the Rent-A-Center I
spotted five guys standing around…with distasteful expressions on their faces;
right away I began to turn around and walk the other way...but there wasn’t
anyway of escaping. I avoided any eye contact with the guys and turned the
corner to walk onto my main street. I turned around and saw no one there but
felt so nervous for some reason. As I walked onto the pathway to my house, a boy
ran on top of me yelling “Oh, you think it’s a game?” and slammed me into the
ground. Another guy ran towards me punching and kicking me as I was swinging
back lying on the ground until a kick in the eye caused me to go blind and lie
there with no restraint; a neighbor ran out the house to save me but the guys
had already run off throwing all my belongings across the street.
I LITERALLY
WANTED TO KILL THOSE BASTARDS WHO DID THAT TO ME...but my family told me that I
was blessed to not have been seriously hurt or anything. And I must say myself
that I am really blessed and grateful that I wasn't hurt because I know the
bastard’s intentions were to make me feel less of myself, and they couldn't
handle the fact I was proud to be who I am. They tried to humiliate me, and
that THEY DID! I remember after it happened, I didn't really
feel any emotion. I didn't know what to say or think; the only thought that ran
through my mind was "How long is it going to take for my eye to heal because I
want to take some pictures?" Don't laugh... I did!!! But my family tried to
understand why these guys did this to me because the boys did this
without robbing me (which is the funny part). My family viewed it as so
many things: a "gay bashing," "gang initiation" or "just being bored." Whatever
their motives were, I honestly don't care. All I know is that it pretty much
scarred me to the point that I now view life differently. I isolated myself
from the world and became depressed.
It wasn't only this incident that triggered my depression, but it's been numerous of situations I've been tested in as well that led to it. Still, I was not able to shed one ounce of emotion, not one tear. My mind was “gone” and people assumed I was "distancing" myself from them, when honestly, that's not the case. It's just that when something so sudden happens in your life, it can change your perspective on things. It definitely made me evaluate myself, notice the things about me that I'm proud of and not so proud of. And I can honestly admit that there were a lot of changes I had to make because I wasn't proud of some choices I've made. I even had to evaluate the people I surrounded myself with. I had to ask myself "Is this a positive person in my life?” and "Would this person cause me more drama than I need?" etc. And what is funny is that no one really took into consideration what I've been through; they just said "Oh, he’s being phony and thinks the world revolves around him." Now answer this question: do I need to surround myself with someone who assumes one thing and then is done with it? HELL NO. And in situations like this, it's your family who will hold you down to the end. I knew that from the beginning because they are my foundation and are the only people I can really trust. And who would've known that someone I rarely knew for a few months would be the person who supported me the whole time. It made me think the friendships I had with individuals for several years were all lies. Maybe I overreacted or maybe I had a right to feel the way I did!
I know the bastard’s intentions were to make me feel less of myself, and they couldn't handle the fact I was proud to be who I am.
There was once a time when I did take life for granted and didn't think much of it. But I realized that God works in many mysterious ways. Since then, I’ve been blessed with so much strength, and I think I can fight against any battle thrown my way because of the events that have happened in my life. Now I'm not saying that what I went through is worse than anyone else's pain, but I know that it took a toll on me. People may think that I've gotten over it but I haven't. I’ve dealt with trust issues in the past, but I definitely have them now and this shit is not easy to cope with.
I saw the new Jodie Foster movie, "The Brave One," which shows a graphic scene of a man and woman getting badly beaten by a gang of Latinos. The man died but the woman lived. The cops ignored her claims (just as they did with mine) and she was messed up in the head following the incident, so she started killing off anyone she felt threatened by. Watching the graphic scenes of that movie was very disturbing and hard to watch at times because it felt so close to home. I now have to constantly turn around to see if someone is behind me and I don't feel safe walking to my house anymore. I think if I knew the people who did this to me before the incident, I would've coped with it better since I am familiar with many people being violated. But what is so affecting is the fact that I still don’t know who did this to me and the answers to my questions are still in the air. But maybe things are left better unsaid.
Since then, I’ve been blessed with so much strength, and I think I can fight against any battle thrown my way.
