He Says/She Says Advice Column
By:  Shomari & Charese Davis
reseydavis@exapethematrix.com

   With this issue, we welcome back the Advice Column.  We thought it would be interesting to get the issues answered with the viewpoints from both a male and a female perspective.  So my husband, Shomari, got in on the action.  Though we’ve been married for 14 years, our different ways of thinking never cease to amaze me.  Sigh…you’ll see… 

Dear ETM, 

I am a 41 year old mother of 2 who gets hit on by a lot of younger men.  Are they serious?  Are younger men actually interested in having a relationship with an older woman?  Should I take this chance or work with men my own age?

Signed, 

Older and Still the Bomb!

HE SAYS: 

Dear Still the Bomb, 

Of course the men are serious.  They know an older woman is fun because they know what they want.  Chances are, they aren’t looking for a relationship, but a freaky hot rendezvous.  Older women are definitely attractive but when it comes down to it, a young man wants a young woman for the future.  They don’t want to have to see all the past.  I know all you ladies want to hear that older ladies are just as sexy and better in bed than younger women, and a real man can appreciate that.  But generally speaking, in reality, we all want to drive a classic car, but nothing beats the smell of a new one.  No, nothing beats putting the gas pedal to the metal time and time again and feeling all that torque and speed under your seat.  There are exceptions to every rule, but unfortunately, expiration dates do matter.  Just ask Anheuser Busch!  Enter at your own risk, ladies, but hurry before the bomb blows up! 

SHE SAYS: 

Dear Bomb Diggity, 

First of all, you are NOT an “older” woman!  We can move on now.  Now, let’s discuss age versus maturity.  Honestly, no matter how much younger these men you are dating are, you are innately more mature than 99.9% of them.  Please be sure that you walk into any potential relationship with your eyes wide open. More than likely, a young man is not ready to be monogamous, let alone make a life-long commitment to you.  It’s sad but true…young men need to date young women.  Young’ins dating a grown woman can cause more harm than good.  Who needs to be sprung on a man 15 years your junior when he can’t stay out of the club?  NOW…there are exceptions to every rule; some 22 year-old man is fully committed to his 40 year-old wife.  They have 2 kids, an SUV and eat dinner together every night.  But remember that for each one of these men, there are 10 others that are no way ready to settle in for the long haul.  My advice to you?  If you’re looking for a husband, find a man closer to your own age – don’t go less than 5 years younger. If you just want that “thug lovin,’ then as you were!

Dear ETM, 

I am a young man who is dating but also looking for that “someone special.”  I have been seeing someone I like for about 4 months.  We have a lot in common, but some things between us concern me.  We’ve gone out to dinner several times and yet, she has never offered to pay.  We both have very good careers and are both making pretty good money, yet, no offers of gratuity.  Should I be concerned?  Is this characteristic of something else?  I am a gentleman but I want to find someone with a giving heart like mine.

Sincerely, 

Concerned but Frugal 

HIS SIDE: 

Dear Frugal, 

Well, young man, if I were you, I would ask her straight up, “What gives, baby?”  Naw, kidding!  But I would ask, “Well, what’s going on?”  The best time to discuss anything in a new relationship is right when it comes up.  This is the trial period for all issues to come to the surface so that you two can learn about one another.  There may be a reason why she’s not generous in that sense. It could possibly be from a previous relationship in which she was taken advantage of.  If that is the case, you need to remind her that that was him, and this is you.  You cannot pay for the mistakes of others.  You must be judged solely on what do.  If that’s not the problem, sorry!  Nah…really…you need to be able to discuss everything immediately.  If it’s not possible now, it won’t ever be possible.  You will only find out what you both are made of when differences arise. Remember, it’s supposed to be fun!  Learning about someone can be fun as long as you both can be open.  If she can’t be open, then maybe she’s not that special.  Good luck! 

HER SIDE: 

Dear Taking Care of Business, 

Okay, listen here…this is an issue that you have to be careful with.  There are women who simply expect to be taken care of.  This could be the result of the “princess syndrome,” in which their fathers spoiled them, and their mother taught them that only “real men” foot the bill.  Perhaps she doesn’t want to offend your manhood. Maybe she’s just cheap!  Who knows?  The only way to find out is to ask her.  But again, I stress, be careful!  Perhaps you may want to initiate a night in, saying, “Baby, why don’t you grab some take-out and I’ll bring the drinks.”  Another idea is to hint to the fact that you’re trying to budget your funds better and therefore, you’ll need to be more creative with your dating habits.  Once your relationship has reached a certain plateau (which you’re just about reaching) and these suggestions don’t seem to work, you’re just going to have to say what you need to say!  Going broke over someone you’ve only been dating a few months isn’t logical.  If she give you ANY attitude at all, please believe that it is indicative of you’re your future with her looks like.  Move on to pastures that aren’t so concerned with your green! 
 

Dear ETM, 

What’s with these kids today?  They think they know everything but they don’t know s***!  Is anyone else having this problem with their teen?  How do I talk to this mofo? When I try to get a point across and teach him something, it morphs into a shouting match.  How do I talk to him without killing him?

Signed, 

About To Make the 11o’clock News!

HIS SIDE: 

Dear Reality Star, 

This one’s tough…’cause I want to strangle the mofo’s I got!  But as my wife always says, “You have to pick and choose your battles.”  I just don’t remember talking to my mom this way without getting a knuckle sandwich!  Kids today have it great; they go out to restaurants all the time, they have PlayStations, they have lots of disposable income, which they are very accustomed to spending.  When it comes down to it, I think you have to do a lot more listening and less talking.  Let the kid express himself to a point, but he must understand that there always has to be a level of respect.  Remind him that no matter how old you are, you always have someone to answer to.  If you can’t work with the people in your home, how are you going to work with people when you join the workforce?  You can’t holler at them, they’ll fire you!  You’ll be your own man but you’ll be poor as a mofo! You’ll feel real good but you’ll be wearing somebody else’s blanket.  So just ask him, do you want to wear Sean John…or Sean PAWN? 

HER SIDE: 

Dear Near Postal Parent, 

My husband is correct…you must choose your battles carefully.  However, what I’ve learned the most from having children is this: they will most definitely show you who you are on a daily basis.  Consider these things:

1)      Uhh…me thinks that the gentleman doth protest too much.  My husband has a very hard time allowing our teenage son to talk without interruption. Remember that you are both filled with testosterone.  This boy is in the middle of leaving childhood behind and entering into manhood, so he’s confused as to what to do with this aggressiveness.  Help him get his aggressions out by talking “man to man.” Explain what’s going on with his physiology.  Perhaps if he knew what was going on with him, it would ease some of his confusion.  Give him an allotted time to talk without having to hear your mouth!  If he feels that you love him no matter what, he won’t have such a hard time talking to you. (This is definitely going on with my teenage son.  Having this talk with him helped tremendously!) 

2)      How alike are you and your son?  Like I said above, your children will show you who you are.  I believe that if there are parts of yourself that you don’t like and you’re faced with them in your face, you won’t do well with it.  Work on YOU if you expect your son to change.  Some of those behavioral choices may have fallen 1.2 inches from the tree.  (Can anyone see me glaring at my husband?  Because I am!) 

3)      Is the boy’s mother involved in his behavioral well-being?  If not, a mother’s touch is more necessary than you know.  Women speak a different language, from interpreting the information it to delivering it.  Let the boy’s mother help with getting to the bottom of the issue, then let her explain what she believes is going on.  Sometimes all you need is an outside observer to get to the bottom of it all. 

4)      Have daily, weekly or monthly meetings.  This is a time when discussion WITHOUT JUDGMENT is necessary and customary.  Discuss any issue that is relevant in your son’s life.  Be prepared to have an open mind about his view of you; a lot of it will be a jagged pill for you to swallow.  Swallow it, learn and move on.  Set goals based upon these discussions and hold each other accountable. 

5)      Give him details about who YOU were at his age. Remember that it wasn’t so long ago that you were in his shoes, full of confusion and anxiety about what shoes you would wear to school the next day and which girl you liked.  It can be helpful when you both realize that Dad once had most of those same concerns and that the 2 of you are not so far removed from each other as you thought.  

Until next time, 

Live…and love doing it!