Home

Editor's Note

Introduction

Current Index

Free Your Mind

The Future

Wake Up

Editorials

Alliance

Bizarre

The Staff

Photos

Community

Name: Divamystiq

Email: Divasmystiq1@excapethematrix.com

Column: Art of Relating Advice Column

 

Welcome to The Art of Relating Advice Column.  The advice in this column comes from a holistic, mind; body and spirit approach.  All readers in the ETM community are welcome to submit questions needing advice to Divasmystiq1@excapethematrix.com.  NO TOPIC IS OFF LIMITS!  While the advice given represents but one opinion, mine, it is my goal for that one opinion to offer food for thought instead of judgment and censure.  I will often refer to ghostwriters Liz or Alyson if there is a question requiring more than one head. My belief is that the art of relating is more about self-healing.  In order for our relationships to be healthy, we have to first be healthy ourselves.  Writing this column also helps me to heal along with you since it constantly challenges me to keep the focus and attention on an individual solution especially for you, not just the problem.  Since we are all on this journey together whether consciously or unconsciously, the key to truly escaping the matrix is increasing our awareness [developing a plan of action] and the next key is action.  One of my most favorite quotes is by Albert Einstein that says, “ Nothing changes until something moves”. My second fav is by the great Gandhi, “ be the change you want to see”.

If you don’t see your question this month, please look for it in the next edition!

February 2007 Black History Month Edition

How do you tell what's wrong with a mate that doesn't seem to want to communicate?

Often, the dynamic in most relationships is where one is the communicator and one isn’t.  This can prove frustrating for communicators since the trick is that you can’t read someone’s mind unless they tell you what to read. Amen?  On that same note, this can also prove frustrating to the one that prefers to keep things in their own head.  In this case it’s up to the communicator to be patient since some people are not always forthcoming with their thoughts or feelings until they’ve had some time to digest how they feel or what they’re wrestling with.  They may actually volunteer what’s on their mind once they’ve had some time or space to deal with it their way.

If you feel that you just have to say something, you could try, “hey it appears to me like you’re dealing with something, I may be wrong here but if you need an ear I’m always here to listen.  I’ll do my best to be as objective or as open minded as I can whenever you’re ready and if you decide to not volunteer about it, it’s okay too.  I would just prefer the opportunity to share because maybe there’s something that I can learn from what you’re dealing with too.” 

The bottom line is no one is obligated to communicate in a relationship.  Now it is definitely a responsible choice to communicate but no one has to if they really don’t want to.  The flip side of this is that there is an ultimate consequence for poor communication and you have to decide if you have the patience to deal with this communication style.

What's a good way to break the ice on a first date?

Well the best advice I can give here is, do your homework!  In conversations with your soon-to-be first date, try to find out as much as you can about their interests. The most important thing is to do on your date is something that will be fun for the both of you.  All too often dates center around dinner and if there is no immediate chemistry dinner conversation can be loaded with uncomfortable silences.  Try researching your local paper to find out if there are any special events happening in your area, interesting performances or unique outings.  Be sure to have a list of options to choose from ready to go over with your date prior to your set meeting date.  Most people would really appreciate the fact that you did some research in order for the date to be successful and if they’re not appreciative you may want to reconsider going on the date at all!

A simple icebreaker could be to get out your pad & pen or laptop and come up with a list of 20 questions.  The first 10 questions would be questions you get asked all the time and the next set of 10 would be questions that you wish people would ask you but don’t get asked very often.  Chances are, if you met your date through an event, mutual friend, place or circumstance you have common  interests so you can tailor those questions around a common area.  Once you’ve answered those questions for your date, have your date create their own list to share. 

Most of all don’t let the conversation pauses get you down or make you anxious.  Remember that your date is probably as nervous as you are!

 

QUESTION OF THE MONTH:

Recently a guy broke up with me out of the blue. I was devastated because I actually had fallen in love with him. In my eyes he was perfect for me. Everything seemed to be going well and we always enjoyed each others’ company. The issue in part was that he lived out of state and he says the distance became a problem for him. I guess I understand, except that he knew where I lived when he stepped to me and he already had experienced a tough long distance relationship in the past. In addition, while he claimed that the distance was the issue after we broke up he started slipping in other issues he had with us that I never knew about. I am really angry but mostly sad about the whole thing. I still love him although he began acting like a bit of a jerk after we broke up.

My question for you is how do I let him go. I want an authentic relationship with a man I can respect and who loves me, but I'm stuck on this dude. I know he's kept it moving and that makes me even more upset that I haven't. What will it take for me to move on?

It may sound a bit clichéd but for now the only true answer to this that seems appropriate is time. You may need more time to heal, process, and reflect on the reality of what you had with him has already happened and the “now” is what you're experiencing. Try not to force yourself into getting over him today or tomorrow. How you feel right now for him is very real and poignant. Allow yourself to own your feelings so that you may release them until you are strong enough to look at the whole picture. Once you can objectively look at the situation, allow yourself to forgive him so you can be free of any emotional debt that will keep you tied to him and it will then naturally facilitate your ability to move on.