On How Love Is
Written by: Billy Winn
Everybody wants somebody to love. The desire for companionship is one of the oldest and most basic needs found on the planet. We see it on every level of society, in every culture, and in almost every life form on Earth. From the time we’re young, we learn the idea of finding companionship: growing up, getting married, having children—and the dream of falling in love begins to grow inside of us. Not only do we learn this, but we are taught that this is the way it’s supposed to be. But, what happens when that desire, that need to find and have a significant other, turns into an unhealthy obsession? An obsession where we become so fixated on wanting to be with someone—and more often than not—to be able to say we’re with someone, that we sacrifice the most important parts of ourselves. What happens when we give up our dignity and our self-respect simply to say, “I’m in love”?
These are questions I’ve asked myself often, watching the rise and fall of my relationships and the relationships of those around me. A few weeks ago, these very questions resurfaced during a conversation with two of my friends. Most often, we get together and exchange stories that we like to think of as “adventures”; situations having do to with looking for and maintaining romantic relationships, albeit our own or those of others we know. This particular evening, the conversation involved a woman who, on the surface, appeared to simply be working to keep the man she loved.
Nicole is in love, I’m sad to say, but the person she should be loving is not Terrell—it is the one that stares back
at her in the mirror…
Her name is Nicole—at least that’s what we’ll call her—a twenty-something year old African-American woman, living and working in Washington, DC. About a year ago, Nicole met Terrell—at least we’ll call him Terrell—who had recently started a job in the department where she worked. It didn’t take long for these two to hit it off, and before long, their situation escalated from a working relationship into a sexual one. Now, to hear Nicole tell it, things were great—she and Terrell were getting to know each other, dating, and he had even introduced her to his daughter, which in Nicole’s mind was a big step in the direction of the “L” word. Never mind that within only months of knowing Terrell Nicole found herself afflicted with an STD and, although she considered them dating, Terrell already had a girlfriend, who just happened to be another coworker of Nicole’s.
I continued to hear out this situation, but found myself asking the aforementioned questions in my head. I wondered what it was about this man that would allow her to continue dealing with him beyond the point of jeopardizing her health and her job. The situation only became more volatile as I listened, as at this point in the story Terrell’s girlfriend had found out about his indiscretions with Nicole and put him out, which somehow resulted in him also losing his job. I’m sure we could conclude that perhaps Terrell would have learned a lesson in all this, if not for Nicole coming to his rescue, moving him in with her, and taking care of him until he was able to get “back on his feet”.
I agree that we all truly want to be loved, and I believe everyone deserves to be and that someone exists for
each
of us, but more than anything, I believe that in order for each of us to find that one we have got to love us first…
It has been nine months, and Terrell has yet to manage to find himself back on his feet…
The reason I decided to share this story is not to humiliate Nicole, degrade Terrell, or get any rise about their situation, other than the fact that this has become a common scenario in our society today. Nicole’s story just so happens to be the one I chose to illustrate my point, but the truth is there are many women and men in her shoes whose situations are far worse. On the surface, it does appear that she’s simply fighting to keep the man she loves, but who is she fighting, and at what cost? I agree that we all truly want to be loved, and I believe everyone deserves to be and that someone exists for each of us, but more than anything, I believe that in order for each of us to find that one we have got to love us first. I wish I could say Terrell eventually realized how good a woman Nicole is and turned over a new leaf—but, unfortunately, he’s still trying to get back on his feet, and at what expense? At the expense of Nicole’s finances, her self-esteem, self-respect, dignity, and, more than anything, at the expense of her love for herself.
This is what could happen when that desire becomes an unhealthy obsession—so great that we sacrifice the most important parts of ourselves. When we give up our dignity and nearly lose our humanity just to tell people, “I’m in love.” Nicole is in love, I’m sad to say, but the person she should be loving is not Terrell—it is the one that stares back at her in the mirror.
