On How Love Is:
When Is It Okay To Settle?

Written by: Billy Winn

 

“When is it okay to settle?” That’s the question my homegirl asked the other day, almost as if it was a matter between life and death. Knowing exactly what she meant by this question, I decided to humor myself by responding, “Settle for what?” To my surprise, it was the correct response, because almost before I could complete the question, she dove into a list of reasons why she thinks it’s time for her to just “find a guy and settle for him”. As she finished the evaluation of her love life, I found myself at a loss for words. Considering this entire dilemma had everything to do with finding a man, my initial opinion was it is NEVER okay to settle—because you never know what you’d be settling for. Since my conversation with her however, I’ve considered others who’ve made similar comments, leading me to wonder, is there a time when it’s okay to settle?

 

To get to an answer for this question, I think it’s important to consider some of the reasons we do settle in romantic relationships. I’ve always found it odd when someone I know admits that they feel like they’re settling in their current relationship. What’s strange is that, more often than not, these people have been in said relationship for years—some of whom are married and have children. I’m always inclined to ask why they feel that way, and the reasons are usually only slightly different, consisting of versions of: “Well, I thought he/she was nice, and I just didn’t want to hurt his/her feelings,” or, “I wanted to be married by x-age,” and finally, “I just didn’t want to be alone.” Never failing to feel somewhat confused after hearing these responses, I also find myself inclined to ask why they would elect to commit themselves to a person and start a family if, at the end of the day, they are not truly happy?...

 

Love is something that seems to work like time—it cannot be changed nor controlled no matter how hard we try. And like time, Love comes when it is supposed to, sweeping us up and keeping us for as long as it sees fit—sometimes for a day, sometimes forever…

 

But, I usually keep that question to myself—it never seems to be one that gets much thought behind it.

 

Terra, at least that’s what we’ll call her, feels that she is in her early thirties, single, and starving for companionship as she gets older—no different than the reasons I’m finding most people put themselves through the contemplation of “settling”. The difference, however, is that I’ve had the benefit of watching her up close when it comes to relationships, and I think for her, as I believe it is with most people, it is more a matter of impatience. I also believe that sometimes—though I hate to say, it is more so a matter of unrealistic standards. Terra, like most women I know and I’d imagine most women in general, is looking for the perfect man. For her, this not only consists of stability, employment, sanity, and a mind that is family-oriented—it also consists of very specific height/weight proportions, level of employment, bank account balance, credit score, and the list goes on and on and on. I’ve tried many a day to explain to her that perhaps she should modify her “interview process”, considering her reasons for NOT talking to a guy usually have more to do with the latter list of requirements. This is not to say these factors are unimportant, but one does have to question their tendency to outweigh what should be most important. When Terra asked me when I think it’s okay to settle, these were the type of things that came to mind, and when thinking about others who have already settled, I began to see a pattern.

 

I believe that sometimes we settle because we see something in the other person that we know could be beneficial to us. Whether it is financial, social, or physical, something about that person causes us to consider “settling” for him or her, without the consideration of our happiness in two or three years time. Quite honestly, the idea isn’t new—we’ve read about it in so many love stories, watched it in so many movies, and may have even seen it in our homes growing up. The consideration of settling is just as much a part of love and romance as the courtship and the sex—we all do it every time the prospect for a new relationship comes our way—but, I believe that those of us who don’t feel like we’ve settled have taken a look at the bigger picture; we’ve satisfied the most important parts of what we’re looking for and realized the rest could not compare to the happiness we’ve found—and therefore dropped the pretense.

 

I’ve had the benefit of watching her up close when it comes to relationships, and I think for her, as I believe it is
with most people, it is more a matter of impatience. I also believe that sometimes—though I hate to say, it is
more so a matter of unrealistic standards…

 

Love is something that seems to work like time—it cannot be changed nor controlled no matter how hard we try. And like time, Love comes when it is supposed to, sweeping us up and keeping us for as long as it sees fit—sometimes for a day, sometimes forever. I understand that we all want love, it’s a part of being human, and, the older we become, the more pressing the matter of love becomes. But, regardless of this, I think in these modern times there are two things we must do before deciding to just settle for someone. First, I believe we have to check ourselves and make sure that what we require in a mate does not weigh more on the monetary and superficial. If we find someone that truly cares about us and is providing on a level that might not be Trump status, but still beats that one bedroom on the rough side of town, settling is hardly the case. The last and more important thing that we must do is be patient. Each of us is entitled to love—no matter where we’ve been or what we’ve gone through, we are each entitled to be loved by someone for just who we are. It may take longer for that someone to come along than it did for others we know, but they are coming.

 

So, to answer Terra’s question, I do not think it is EVER a good time to settle because, again, you never know what you’re truly settling for. I do believe, however, that we should keep our options open—keep our minds and our hearts open, because you never know… when or how Love will get to you. Just know, it will.

 

 

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